Parenting styles are very different, and if our kids are lucky, they have evolved from our parent’s style of parenting. That is not meant to disparage how we were raised; However, I am of the “when you know better, you do better” mindset.
I admit that I was never overly warm and fuzzy about children when I was younger. I am still not one to go up to babies and coo at them, and I never have. With that mindset, I was very torn about having kids. That was until my son decided to present himself as an option to the world, like “hey here I am. The world needs you to have a son Anais.”
Since my son presented himself by disregarding my plans and making his appearance in this world, against every odd imaginable, I had to step up my mommy game quickly. It has been a ride and a joy like nothing I’ve ever experience, for the past twenty years.
Once I had the “shit got real” moment of having the actual responsibility of molding another human being, I realize so many things. The primary thing that I recognized is although I was presented with the privilege of molding this little human, his life was not really about me. It was my job to love him, nurture him, mold him, and guide him. It WAS NOT my job to force him on to a path of my choosing. It was especially not my goal to mold him into a mini-me or impede his progress in becoming who he was destined to become. That meant taking my ego out of parenting.
I did not have a child to stroke my ego and to use as a way to realize dreams, that I’d failed at as so many parents seem to believe. I recognized from his creation that his life was about allowing him to find and fully embrace who was destined to be.
Another thing I realized was, I was not given the gift of motherhood to pass down generational curses, which could break him by giving him unnecessary hurdles to jump through based on passed down nonsense.
I recognize that I could be coming from a place of privilege with my take on parenting. That’s because I was older and mentally ready to dedicate myself to being a mom. That, of course, is not always the path of many. So, I do acknowledge that.
Since I was more settled and older when my son decided to defy all odds and present himself, I knew that I didn’t want to go with that “do as I do, not as I say” mode of parenting. I think that’s bullshit honestly and extremely lazy parenting. Kids are people, just little people. They deserve to understand things. They also deserve to be allowed the space to develop into the person they are destined to be, WITHOUT us as parents placing undue pressure on them to fit our mold of who they should be.
Growing up, I felt like I needed to do things in a way that was expected by my parents, or I wouldn’t be loved or accepted. Children will always go the route that will gain them the acceptance of their parents IF THEY are forced to chose between that acceptance and exploring their own needs and desires. That mode of parenting was one I knew I would never partake in at all.
The good thing about the route I took with allowing my kid the space to be who he is destined to be is, he won’t be conflicted later in life. He won’t be unraveling ALL of the things that were learned due to my actions. Additionally, he hopefully WON’T need to go to therapy based on something that I had the power to prevent.
“Adults are in therapy, due to interactions with others who didn’t go to therapy.”
Although I realize I am a flawed person, as most people are, I feel comfortable every time I look at my son, knowing that I had a degree of self-awareness that I didn’t pass my flaws down to him. He assured me that I did a great job and that he’ll have a hard time being the parent that I was to him. That was the greatest compliment a mother could get.
Parenting is the hardest and most fulfilling job you will ever do. We owe it to our kids to lead them to the right path. For me, that path was allowing my son the space needed so he could fully step into himself and be the person he was destined to be, WITHOUT my interference.
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