Sun. Feb 16th, 2020

Anais ForReal

Straight No Chaser

Therapy Session 15: Pt. 2, Letter to Egg Supplier

3 min read
Photo by johanna falk on Reshot

Photo by johanna falk on Reshot

Dear One That Birthed Me But Opted Out of Parenting,

I often wonder if you would speak to either myself or the TOXIC SIBLING you created if it were not for our success. If we were losers, would you even bother? Even though I have always had low expectations, I honestly am still not prepared for yet another blow due to your inability to FEEL anything for myself or THE TOXIC SIBLING, so I am ok with not knowing the answer to this question.

After having a child of my own, in spite of your abandonment, which made me feel as if I might not have what it takes to be a great mom, I’d thought I’d resolved my issues. I think I have mostly, but I guess there are still some residual issues that I need to address so that I can fully turn the page on the childhood abandonment issues.

People would ask how I felt about you. I would always say I could never miss, what I never had. Although that remains true, I still have feelings about being abandoned.

Abandonment of myself, THE TOXIC SIBLING, and my dad allowed you to move on, and start over. You moved across the entire country, as far away from us as possible. I guess that was great for you. In spite of that, there was a ripple effect that we felt due to your abandonment, while you were living your best life.

Opting out of parenting:
🔸Left me to the mercy of a horribly toxic sibling, who had abandonment issues and displayed disturbing, behaviors even as a child.
🔸Left me with a father that could NOT trust himself to remarry or fully commit to any woman. YES, I witnessed this, and it impacted me.
🔸Left me to prove to my father that I wouldn’t be like you because of my gender.
🔸Forced me to grow up in the shadow of your behaviors.
🔸Left me to fend for myself in a lot of instances.

All of this made me feel:
🔸Unworthy
🔸Unloved
🔸Unlovable
🔸Hurt
🔸Broken
🔸To blame
🔸Confused
🔸Ignored
🔸Like discarded garbage.
🔸Finally, as if I will forever have a broken heart.

I felt all of this and more, all from the one who was supposed to be my protector, my teacher, and one who would love me and guide me through life. These feelings will probably never go away. At best, I can resolve my feelings about it, unbox it and view it from my rear view mirror.

Even as an adult, you have never shown up. NOT ONCE. In childhood and now, I still can only count on one thing from you, DISSAPOINTMENT.

Indirectly you taught me to be my son’s protector, teacher, and guide through life. I additionally continue to learn to show up for my son and NOT disappoint him. Now I must move forward in working toward unraveling what was done and work on NOT disappointing myself by allowing ALL of this to continue to impact my life negatively.

Finally, I FEEL GRATITUDE that I learned a lot about being a mom, from one who was not, through lessons on what NOT to do.

Sincerely,

The second egg you dropped.

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