Therapy can be challenging and intense, but it can also be very freeing. That depends upon the subject matter, of course. The past few sessions have been extremely challenging and very intense, but ultimately it has moved the needle even if it was a bit emotionally challenging. All of the things you feel, take away, sit with, and unravel in sessions are beneficial to the big picture of achieving your therapy goals.
My initial goal going into these sessions was to allow me to deal with the grief after the death of my father. I additionally wanted to unravel all of the childhood trauma brought to the surface due to grief. Once I was on the therapy couch, many other things surfaced, and since I was there, I figured why not go all in. So here I am, wrapping up my twentieth session.
“How do you feel?” was the question asked today, as is the case at the beginning of most sessions. When asked, I tell what I am feeling, versus the generic ‘I’m OK’ that I usually answer when asked by people that aren’t my therapist.
Today I was experiencing some residual feelings from the last few weeks. So, a bit of continuation of Session 19: Rebirth and Centering Myself. Honestly, I was still dealing a bit with this going into this week’s session.
My answer to the question was, ” I feel like I am floating in the ocean, with no connections and foundering a bit.” I knew the inevitable question of “Why” would be next. My answer circled me back to a few previous sessions which covered how I’ve spent the majority of my life, caring for other people, and staying busy, on my grind. I explained that I’d been working hard since I moved out of my father’s house at nineteen. Additionally, how the last twenty years have been about school, motherhood, grad school, grinding due to career changes, contracting, and caregiving for my grandmother then my father.
She asked, “while you were doing ALL of this, what did you long to do while you were so busy?” I wanted to travel, sleep, and sit down without having something to do. I wanted a minute to exhale.
My therapist is good at watching my face when I am not paying attention. Since I don’t have a poker face, that’s not too hard to do actually. “So, sort of what you’re doing now?” I answered, yes but I’m sure that answer was on my face before I verbalized it. I looked up when the therapist asked: “You don’t know what it’s like to do nothing, do you?” NOPE, was my answer but I know she knew the answer before I answered.
“So, let’s reframe all of this.” She went on to say that I’d ‘arrived’ in a sense. All of the hard work up until now is paying off. That’s because I have time to do the things I never had time for previously. “You are in an amazing position. Instead of viewing it as floundering, see it as you deserve this, and you’ve earned it. ”
That conversation took me back to the topic covered in last week’s session about centering myself and doing me. Additionally living in my truth while centering myself because not only have I been focusing on everyone else, I’ve been living my life in the shadow of others. I never gave this any thought until my dad passed, and I started therapy. So, the last half of my life, that will be spent centering myself, living in my truth, and not seeking anyone’s approval will be as a result of these therapy sessions. Had I not gone to therapy, I would probably never have come to any of these conclusions.
So, my take-away from this session, and previous sessions leading up to this breakthrough session, it’s time for me to embrace all the things and enjoy life. I earned it.
I would love to know your thoughts on this session, therapy in general, and more about your journey in getting better in touch with who you are through therapy. Reach out, let’s chat on FB, IG, and Twitter. Until then, Happy Healing.
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