Today’s session was every bit as difficult as I anticipated forthcoming hours would be in week 16. Going to therapy is all fun and games until the questions make you self-reflect. The funny thing about self-reflection is after you do it, you are now responsible for the information you unearth. That is where I am now.
I don’t know that this therapy process will get easier but, I do know that it is allowing me to discover things about myself that I would have never uncovered had I not gone through this process. That doesn’t make it any less challenging, but it does make me want to continue moving forward in my progress.
This week was a bit of a continuation of the last few weeks diving into my relationships. This week specifically unboxed my take away from the session last week. We covered how I FELT about all of the things covered in last week’s hour. “How did that make you feel” is asked often and mostly on Mondays.
The great thing about going to therapy on Monday is having the entire week to sit with, dissect and gain clarity around the session. Today, we went, “straight, no chaser” into past relationships, my selection process, my control/power issues, and how the traumatic parts of my childhood played a huge role in those choices. WHEW. LAWD.
I recognized last week that in the past that the personality type of the partner I selected was very similar to the types of partners my dad chose. The funny thing about this is, I never noticed it. I was always somewhat turned off that he selected women he believed to be passive. Yet, I went for the same thing, but for me, it was for a different reason.
I never considered the partners I selected as passive, I thought of them as, laid back. I went for those that I felt would NOT try to control me, overpower me, be verbally or physically abusive. I select those I didn’t feel threatened by, and the more laid back type fits that.
My focus, on verbal and physical abusiveness, was due to growing up with a sibling that had a mean streak. The sibling always seemed to have a bit of violence simmering right below the surface. It created an undesirable and somewhat terrifying environment, growing up. So, I selected partners that didn’t have a mean streak and those I believed would never harm me.
After last week’s session, I realized my selection in partners in the past was heavily influenced by this part of my childhood and additional male influences that were not necessarily healthy examples. Sometimes people select partners similar to those that were examples in their childhood. I chose the exact opposite, but my choices were heavily influenced by my childhood.
“I’m amazed that your inter-personal relationships weren’t totally dysfunctional – in the mode of hurt people, hurt other people.”
Although I did not go through life as a train wreck, hurting others, I always knew there was room for improvement in my interpersonal relationships. Now that I recognize the full extent of these behaviors, I can work to alter the paths in the future for new relationships. It may take me some time to train my mind to think differently. However, now that I am aware, I can go forth and move toward developing healthier relationships that are not impacted by my past influences.
These sessions can sometimes be like connecting the dots. Once the dots are connected, there’s clarity around a subject and a complete “ah-ha moment.” The past few sessions, my unraveling it and circling back with the therapist this week was a huge “ah-ha moment” about my relationship selections.
This session wasn’t so hard as it was very emotional and heart-wrenching. That’s because I fully realized the commonality in all of these behaviors, from myself, my father, and even my horribly toxic sibling was the fallout from the heartbreak of abandonment by my mother. The trickle-down negatively impacted ALL of us. That is a whole other can of worms, which will be tackled in Pt. 2.
WHEW. LAWD. BLACK. JESUS.
I would love to know your thoughts on this session, therapy in general, and more about your journey in getting better in touch with who you are through therapy. Reach out, let’s chat on FB, IG, and Twitter. Until then, Happy Healing.
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