Today’s session marked the half-year point in my therapy progress. Although we are at this point, I still feel like I have so much more work to do. That’s because picking scabs is involved. You have no concept of how many scabs you will find or how deep you will have to dig to get to the foundation of a wound. I believe I had a certain degree of awareness about the work that I needed to commit myself to if I wanted to unravel this stuff and start healing those wounds. With that said, even the most self-aware person in the world would have no concept of how deep they will have to dig. Not that I am that person with that level of self-awareness. So here I am, continuing to pick at the scabs that will ultimately help heal the wounds.
The hour that passed was not soul snatching, but it was quietly intense, none the less. These sessions will probably always be powerful because we are unraveling my past, picking scabs with the goal of healing wounds. I am unearthing feelings that I don’t understand, although they’ve been playing a role in the background of my life for decades.
I have spent most of my existence, not understanding and just surviving through so many things related to my childhood without having a full realization of why I behaved in certain ways. Consequently, for the majority of my life, I have been functioning in survival mode. Of course, this was my norm, so I wasn’t aware that I was operating like this. I never knew survival mode was a thing outside of a reality show.
Today’s session started, for the third time, coming out the gate with how annoying I find people. I did have a disclaimer that I’m quite aware that there are people that probably believe me to be an asshole as well. That doesn’t change the fact that I still find a lot of people quite annoying.
My emotional turmoil about family was the foundation of my annoying people issue THIS WEEK. I had an 11-hour conversation [Yes, 11 hours, and yes, there are people I wouldn’t talk to on the phone for 11 minutes.] with my “day one bestie” who knows more about my family issues than anyone on this earth. We were talking about National Siblings Day, and I was 100% in my feels because she got better siblings than I had growing up. I admit I am a tad jealous but happy she got good sibs, as I wouldn’t wish my sib on satan. Since we’ve known each other for so long, I can attest that her siblings are the real deal.
“I understand how you feel, but I also understand why your family dynamic was what it was.”
My childhood and family dynamic set the stage in a sense for a lot of stuff that I experienced in my present. However, that WILL NOT predict what happens in my future. That’s because doing THIS work right now WILL change the path of that.
That work involves recognizing that ALL of this is bigger than me. I do admit that I have been wrapped up in my feelings about ALL of it. When I say it, I mean the dysfunction. I have been wrapped up in this because it’s what I feel, and it can be hard to step outside of that experience, to see the bigger picture.
“Your experiences based on the Family of Origin Behavior is very understandable.”
The bigger picture is me having the ability to look at my experiences growing up and ALSO my toxic ass siblings experiences. He had the same upbringing that I did, with the same Family of Origin Behavior. That means, just as I am struggling, his ignorant toxic ass is probably struggling as well. He just dealt with it in a more heinously evil manner. A bit of anger, yes. 🤷🏾♀️
All of this has to be viewed through the lens of behaviors that were passed down from parents, from grandparents and beyond. The things that I dealt with as a child, that impacted me to the degree that I am now unraveling it was not an anomaly. The conduct of my parents, that was passed down from their parents, and beyond going back to decades are in play here. So, these are things that my feelings did not allow me to factor in at all. None of this changes anything but will help me understand that these things are not about me, or my parents or even my grandparents. It’s about generational curses passed down in the form of familial dysfunction from generation to generation and beyond.
So instead of being hyperfocused on the things I experienced, I need to remember those things were passed down from generations that could span beyond a century.
I had a certain degree of self-awareness about passing down dysfunction, so I always made sure I raised my son in a different way than I was raised. Although I was aware enough not to pass these things down to him, I was not so lucky as I unconsciously internalized some of these behaviors. That impacted how I view many things but mostly relationships and people. Hence my annoyance and intolerance of some people.
Therapy has allowed me to discover some of these things and more. I am now in the process of unraveling them. Every time I uncover something new, it helps on my healing journey in my goal to recognize the past behaviors that was a result of past childhood trauma. I also recognize these past behaviors are no longer beneficial to my present or future.
So, moving forward I will be dedicating myself to recognizing and being responsible for altering the paths that I was set upon, but not locked into, through generational curses that were in place that predated my birth.
G R O W T H.
I would love to know your thoughts on this session, therapy in general, and more about your journey in getting better in touch with who you are through therapy. Reach out, let’s chat on FB, IG, and Twitter. Until then, Happy Healing.
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