Whew, this is an amazing journey, and I am learning so much about myself in the process. I am doing a lot of really good work moving into week 30, but there’s so much more to discover about myself.
During the past few weeks, we did a lot of work on building relationships. That work included platonic and romantic relationships. The goal was really to address a lot of my past trauma and move me toward not allowing that past trauma to sabotage those relationships before they are allowed to flourish. Not to say that I had bad relationships in the past, but I do acknowledge that they could have been less one dimensional. That was my fault.
Although I share a lot on social media, and in this blog about my therapy journey, I am still a relatively private person. That is especially the case when it comes to real details of my personal life.
The goal of therapy was not originally to delve into how I viewed relationships, in-depth. I figured I would address some issues more superficially. I visualized it would be a thing like, “Umm, what do you think about this relationship/people thing?” WELP, that didn’t happen. 🥴🥴🥴So, many sessions later, here I am, all unraveled in the relationship area, and ready to possibly jump in this space again.
Today’s sessions covered a lot about how much I’ve unraveled regarding relationships. That has been a lot of work over the past few weeks. All of that work led me to the conclusion that I am now very aware of my trauma triggers and how they potentially showed up in relationships. Awareness about these triggers allows me to move forward in building better, stronger, and healthier connections.
In addition to that work, I had an epiphany or two last week after session 28. That led to me being in the best place I’ve ever been, emotionally, and mentally. That is primarily due to taking back the power that I didn’t even know I’d given. That power included allowing people that were on the fringes of my life at best, to impact how I walk in my existence. By picking the scab on this in one of the particularly tough sessions, I recognized this WHILE DOING THE WORK continuously that I was giving away too much power in my life. Once I recognized it, that is the point that I was then responsible for changing that path. THERAPY. MAN.
The second part of the epiphany happened in last week’s session. It was very eye-opening and upon unraveling that, I literally felt a peacefulness wash over me.
“Adult Anais is NOT child Anais. Those scenarios that happened impacted your past, and can no longer impact your present, or future unless you allow them to.”
So in unraveling these things, they allowed me to embrace feelings that I had never felt in life. That was peace. I was at peace with the past and how things unfolded. That doesn’t change the past, or excuse behaviors. However, it does change how I go about my present and future, not allowing those things to alter my path.
“What does peace look like and feel like, to you?”
Peace looks like something new and beautiful. Like trying on the most beautiful coat you’ve ever tried on. A coat that you know you can own forever. Peace is feeling that I’ve never felt before.
Before venturing into therapy, I was moving through life with a certain degree of contentment, with no new coat or peace. I had a house, kid, family, I was educated had a career, and all that. In retrospect, I recognize that I was not really living, I was basically just existing. After last year watching my father die, and this year watching the surreal plague, I realize that life is so short. So, it’s past time to start living more of it, instead of just sleepwalking through it. I will be able to do that more purposefully now that I’ve moved past the relationship hurdles and other issues that were altering my path.
I have not been ouchea in these dating skreets for a minute. I have stuck my toe out, and WHEW CHILE, it’s pretty crazy out there. People are quite intimidating in their extreme aggressiveness. SUPER EXTRA. I never considered myself easily intimidated but there’s a whole new dynamic to this game. The aggressiveness is pearl-clutching level. So this game is one that I am quite unaccustomed to so, um yeah. Did I say people were SUPER EXTRA? Did I say WHEW, CHILE?
Either way, my therapist has given me the ok to go forth, and NEW boo myself. LAWD, BLACK JESUS, HEP’ ME. I may or may not share that part of my journey in the future. Damn, nosey people.
I would love to know your thoughts on this session, therapy in general, and more about your journey in getting better in touch with who you are through therapy. Reach out, let’s chat on FB, IG, and Twitter. Until then, Happy Healing.
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