Therapy is metaphorically all fun and games, until it’s not. Not that I ever thought it would be fun. I knew it would be work, and that I would be unraveling, but I guess I had no concept of how I would feel afterward.
I am one to overthink practically everything, so I thought about unraveling stuff. However, I never considered the dive into areas that I had no plans on tackling. Not that I never thought it was possible, but I just never mentally prepared for it. That’s because I was too busy preparing for the things I felt needed to be unraveled immediately.
Today’s session left me reeling, feeling a bit raw and a tad bit on the exhausted side. The exhaustion took me by surprise, which was totally different than my first two sessions. I left both of those sessions feeling a bit lighter. That was not what I felt this time.
Funny, that I would even say, “feel” because just last week, I couldn’t even think about how I felt without coming up with a lame answer, like “OK.” So, getting in touch with, and acknowledging how “I feel” has been a good move in the right direction, so far.
Speaking of how I feel, I was mentally prepared to answer that today, more than last week. Although I hesitated when asked, and my answer was, “disconnected.” That remains the same. Just as I was last week, and the previous weeks, I am still very connected to my son, close friends, and co-workers, but disconnected from almost everything else.
My take away from this session is:
🔸I have spent so many years focused on everyone else, that I lack the capacity to do things, that ONLY involves doing what’s ONLY good for me.
🔸My willingness to quickly boot people from my life is very deep-seated.
🔸My childhood was filled with a degree of trauma, which may have impacted some of my adult choices.
🔸The scab was ripped off, and it was uncomfortable.
Today’s session made me realize, in a gut-punch kind of way, that I have many years of things to unravel. The tough part is, I think there will be lots of gut punches coming up, but lots of healing at the end. Both of which will make me a person that tackled the complex task of mending a degree of brokenness and came out on the other side of it as whole as I am capable of being.
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