Therapy Session 38: Finding a Balance Between The Past And My NEW LIFE.

It was good to get back to therapy today. Session 37 was four weeks ago, and I really felt as if I needed a session because so much has happened in four weeks. The past month demonstrated to me, how important it is to have someone professional to speak with, especially during these trying times. 

There are so many things going on in the world. So, I think it’s so important that we ALL have a professional to speak with regularly. I did feel the effects of maneuvering through these weeks, without having that scheduled hour.  

In addition to the ongoing trauma of racial unrest, Covid-19, and how hard my community has been struck down by this virus, we are all dealing with life also.  Life can be complicated, talking about it helps.

A part of my life in the past had me really caught up in staying busy and hustling hard. That was primarily due to necessity and trying to make moves to put me in a good financial position. There were a lot of years of hustling, juggling caregiver duties, being a mom, returning to school, and generally just working hard to secure my bags. I haven’t needed to hustle as much, because ALL of those years of hustling have paid off. However, my go-to has been “the hustle” and staying busy. That’s because it’s always been a huge aspect of my life.

A part of past sessions has been really getting me to see past the “the stay hustling” mentality and for me to move toward the enjoying life mode. I admit that I have been enjoying way more life than I had during my hustle era because, during that time, I had very little time for anything except grabbing a few hours of sleep. With that said, I recognized today during this session that “the hustle” mode is my comfort/familiar zone. My therapist recognized this almost immediately, even when I didn’t realize that I’d moved back into that zone to a degree. Before she spoke on it, she gave me a look then she proceeded to write a LOT. When she writes a lot, I think, “Oh shit, what did I do?”

The source of her look was a huge project I am currently working on. It is probably the biggest, most game-changing, and life-altering project I’ve ever worked on. It’s complex, exciting, and merges practically everything I’ve ever learned in life in multiple areas to this project. It’s an idea that started to brew in my mind while in grad school, over ten years ago. I’ve been working on it tentatively for a few months, but aggressively for most of the time between this session and my previous one. 

Ok, Anais but, is that bringing you joy? 

Of course, it brings me joy, that’s because it is super exciting thinking about how amazing it will be if I can really pull this off. Primarily because an aspect of this project is way outside of my lane, but that’s a part of the excitement. 

Yes, I understand that, but does it bring YOU joy? I mean beyond the excitement of how financially lucrative it could be?

My therapist gestured toward her heart as she asked me about joy. Like would this project make my heart and soul feel good? Would it be pleasure centered living? That gave me pause, and that was when I realize that I had indeed moved back into that hustle mode comfort/familiar zone, to a certain degree. The difference is now it’s not hustle based on necessity but more for a cause. That drive is to move me toward finally being able to close a chapter of my past and embrace the future with no visible connections to that past. It will allow me to take what I have and use that as a catalyst for my future dreams instead of the dreams connected to the past. 

Remember we talked about what you’d like to leave in the past, and what you’d like to bring to your new existence, Anais? 

I do think a part of what I am doing is a bit of a backslide toward the past, but the difference as compared to previously is there’s a cause behind my actions, it’s not indefinitely hustling, there’s a timeline, and there’s an end goal. The end goal is fully moving to the future. 

In addition to the timeline difference, I took a break. A few years ago, I would have been full steam ahead and in 100% hustle mode. That was not the case, this time. I recognized that I needed to take some self-care time. So, I stepped away from this project over the weekend to relax. I read, slept, spent virtual time with friends and took the downtime I needed for myself. 

I’m happy you recognized that taking a break is ok. 

This session was very important because it made me aware that it’s easy to move back to what’s comfortable, and how I have to constantly be aware of this so I can continue to move forward. For me, in this instance, it’s finding a balance between the rush of the hustle and stepping into enjoying the journey of the life outside of the hustle, more. I’ll continue to work on that, and do so while moving through the complexities of this super exciting project.  

I understand you can’t leave everything in the past but remember life has to be about balance, enjoying the journey and not just focusing on the end goal, Anais.  

I needed this session. 

I would love to know your thoughts on this session, therapy in general, and more about your journey in getting better in touch with who you are through therapy. Reach out, let’s chat on FB, IG, and Twitter. Until then, Happy Healing.

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